A house built on values

The other day, I was talking with some girlfriends and we were moaning about what the Internet has done for women these days - more to the point, what the Internet has done for sexual perception these days, and the lack of traditional values in modern relationships.

And I stumbled upon this article in the latest issue of Time : TigerText: An iPhone app for cheating spouses? Come on! I mean, it's a very interesting article to read and it's really ingenious technology. But seriously, do we need to make the lives of cheating spouses easier?

It doesn't help that the papers these days are filled with celebrity scandals of what a "role-model" golfer did to his model wife, or what a prominent footballer did to his really hot singer-celebrity wife, or what a relatively unknown Hollywood actor did to his Oscar-winning wife - you get the picture.

When such beautiful women are subject to such nonsense from their men, you start to wonder what could happen to normal people like us. Then, you can only pray that our men are not tainted by the "loose cultures" of the celebrity world, and that we are somehow still "protected" by our "traditional values" of loyalty, fidelity, and true love - hopefully, not the superficial kind.

But I guess you could argue that if all women were to dress in old ugly drabs and not bother about make-up or hair mousse, would such scandals even happen?

Somehow, this article in The Malaysian Insider hits the nail on the head.

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So now women are supposed to be porn stars, too? by Dina Zaman

MARCH 25 — For all this talk about women’s progress, why are we constantly being bombarded by articles and information on how to become a porn star? Isn’t it enough that we must know how to juggle finances, have a glass ceiling-breaking career, wear the latest and most expensive clothes and accessories? And now, we are expected to have about 50 lovers before we hit our 40s and know how to perform sexual acrobatics just so our men won’t leave us for a teenager?

As someone who volunteers for a children’s shelter and has activist friends who work in the fields of HIV/AIDS and children’s rights, when I hear that someone is still a virgin or has had very few sexual partners, I feel relieved.

I’m tired of reading headlines in women’s magazines, which are supposed to make my peers and me feel better about ourselves, which prompt us to have tight abs, be able to perform sexual acrobats even the Kamasutra has not invented and that if we didn’t have Botox, there’s something wrong with us. And how it’s normal and better to date younger men who may still be feeding on their mothers’ bosoms. If I date any younger, I’d be a certified paedophile.

It is not just Western magazines that promote sexuality and sexual gymnastics, even the Malay magazines tout the latest jamus to tighten your Miss Cheerful (I found out in Kosmopolitan Indonesia, a woman’s vagina is called Miss Cheerful) which will please your husband.

I’ve been quite tempted to buy those jamus, to be honest. These herbal supplements promise humongous breast growth, harmonious relations with your husband, end endometriosis and turn you into a sylph.

Add to the mix that to be a Perempuan Melayu Teratai Melayu, she has to be an isteri and anak solehah too. The thing is, our society may be conservative, but we live in very sexualised times.

This is to the detriment of our values and relationships/marriages. Principles like respect, love, compassion fly out the window because we place so much value on sex and performance, we don’t see the forest for the trees.

Allow me to relate to you an anecdote. A former colleague recounted her counselling sessions with a group of young men who came from semi-urban areas. This was during my days of working for a public health NGO. She asked the young men why they were divorced at such a young age, and why they remarried so fast.

With the advent of the Internet and technology, pornographic materials are easily accessible. For these young impressionable men, all they know of sex comes from these sources.

Because they are expected and do marry young virgins, or at least very inexperienced young women, they are disappointed to find that their wives “… tak reti nak layan nafsu saya.”

After a few months or so, they divorce and remarry. The cycle is repeated because these men do not relish the idea of marrying “experienced” young women or divorcees.

Let’s not even talk about sexually transmitted diseases. Even before we talk about condoms and religion, we need to go back to the basics — why are you having sex? Are you emotionally and psychologically mature enough to have sex? Are you strong enough to deal with non-romantic relationships?

For the urbanite, this may come off as prudish, but for the rural/semi-urban young person, the repercussions can be tremendous.

If the urban sophisticate already feels burdened by the standards of sexuality the media foghorns, what about their less exposed brethren who may not have the tools and knowledge to handle such matters?

My former colleague said to the young men, “Surely in a marriage, intimate matters are learned. That’s what marriages are about: getting to know each other, learning what works and what doesn’t.”

“Takde masa la, Kak. Pagi-pagi dah kerja, balik dah penat. Kalau dia tak reti nak romen, cari bini lain la!”

Ah, yes. We also forget that time is short these days. What’s enduring love? Sex, even within the confines of marriage, is basically fast food for the body.

We have so many things to do: work, the big deal to chase, sending the kids to school, our in-laws. There’s very little room for love in the 21st century. We not only live in sexualised times, we also live in an era of disposable relationships.

How does one harness the media for responsible writing on matters dealing with sexuality? At the end of the day, bad news and sex sell. It’s all about the bottom line. It’s all well and good to say editors and advertisers have roles to play in managing perceptions, but the reality is that, this may not happen.

In the meantime, we will still be bombarded by these articles and headlines. Perhaps a boycott of these magazines is timely.

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I am fortunate to know many good guy friends who actually have very good values and wouldn't dream of hurting their women. And I fervently pray and hope that the Internet and the media do not taint the pure hearts of these few good men.